A Warrior's Truth

From our camping trip 8/15/15

(I just like this photo)

Last night, I cried. In fact I've been crying on and off (mostly on) since 3.5 weeks ago when I went into the hospital for bilateral pulmonary embolisms which almost took my life. The night before, my symptoms started... and I waited until the morning. And I might not have woken up. That has haunted me. I am still battling the physical and emotional scars that go along with it. Every time I have chest pain, I wonder "Am I throwing another clot? Should I go to the ER?" It is exhausting, it is anxiety producing, it is isolating. Not everyone understands. There is trauma that accompanies life-threatening illness. It is messy. And it is not easily swept away. 

I've been waiting for my "AHA!" moment where life suddenly seems beautiful and precious and instead I was met with crippling depression. Today I woke up at 4 am, it's 7 am now... and suddenly I feel like a warrior. I read the word "warrior" on Facebook and immediately, out of nowhere, I knew that word describes me. It's not that "AHA! I know my purpose in life" moment I thought I'd get. But I feel fierce, I feel like fire. I am fire. 

I have been a special needs mom to Liam for 5 years and I've felt like a mama bear, but never a warrior in my own right. I've always considered Liam to be the warrior and us to be his support system, his advocates, his loving grizzly family. Right now I feel like my own warrior. The hero of my own story. I hope this feeling continues so I continue to really FIGHT for my health instead of feel passive, incapable, and vulnerable. I hope this is my turning point. I may not be totally void of tears, I may not know what my purpose in life is in the grand scheme of things, but I think - I really truly think - that this is my moment.

I am a warrior. I am fire. This is my truth.